It's been awhile
I've been sewing. And repairing. And sewing, and fixing, and trying to live life. It's hasn't been easy.
July started a spiral of events that would make me question all my abilities. Camping and car issues. Getting sick and getting more behind. Appliances breaking. Then Ronan got sick, and then surgery and a long hospital stay. Came home to try to step right back into everything, and felt like I was drowning in it all. Camping again and more car issues. More appliances breaking, and then the well (how we get water) breaking. Everything just keep piling on. Things got fixed - some with help from friends and family. And yet, it still felt unbearable. It's not the first time in life that everything that could go wrong would - yet it was the first time that I didn't think I could do it anymore.
A few weeks ago, I had my regular/annual Dr's appt. My amazing Dr asked how I was doing - and I pretty much burst into tears. Life has been more than a bit overwhelming. I was struggling to stay afloat. Everything was too much, yet I didn't have the luxery of taking anything away to make it easier on myself. My appointment just happened to be at a really low point. She suggested I start and antidepressant. I agreed.
The anti-depressent just starting to work, but OMG - I'm starting to feel like "ME" again. There are still bad days, but the likely hood of something breaking putting me in bed unable to do anything the rest of the day is less and less. The incredible sadness that I just couldn't make go away is lifting.
My confidence is returning. My desire to leave my house is returning. I don't want to escape into sewing and facebook because everything else just takes too much.
The last couple years have been rough for me - the last year especially. I've watched the birth of two beautiful grandchildren - loved on them when they were minutes old. But still felt empty inside. I knew it was dumb - how could I not be filled with overwhelming joy?? I didn't put the pieces together.
One of the checkboxes I've never checked off at therapy has been depression. Autism and depression often go hand and hand. I considered myself lucky. In hindsight, I just didn't know what it was. There were times that I would just spend the day in bed, because I couldn't imagine getting up and doing anything else. Sometimes I would get in a "funk" that would last a couple weeks. The biggest thing, is that I always worked through it. I had many more good days than bad.
I regret with all my being that I didn't realize how bad it really was. I've missed out on so much in the last year. I don't get a do over. But I DO get to enjoy fully the things that life brings me now. For that I am thankful.
July started a spiral of events that would make me question all my abilities. Camping and car issues. Getting sick and getting more behind. Appliances breaking. Then Ronan got sick, and then surgery and a long hospital stay. Came home to try to step right back into everything, and felt like I was drowning in it all. Camping again and more car issues. More appliances breaking, and then the well (how we get water) breaking. Everything just keep piling on. Things got fixed - some with help from friends and family. And yet, it still felt unbearable. It's not the first time in life that everything that could go wrong would - yet it was the first time that I didn't think I could do it anymore.
A few weeks ago, I had my regular/annual Dr's appt. My amazing Dr asked how I was doing - and I pretty much burst into tears. Life has been more than a bit overwhelming. I was struggling to stay afloat. Everything was too much, yet I didn't have the luxery of taking anything away to make it easier on myself. My appointment just happened to be at a really low point. She suggested I start and antidepressant. I agreed.
My confidence is returning. My desire to leave my house is returning. I don't want to escape into sewing and facebook because everything else just takes too much.
The last couple years have been rough for me - the last year especially. I've watched the birth of two beautiful grandchildren - loved on them when they were minutes old. But still felt empty inside. I knew it was dumb - how could I not be filled with overwhelming joy?? I didn't put the pieces together.
One of the checkboxes I've never checked off at therapy has been depression. Autism and depression often go hand and hand. I considered myself lucky. In hindsight, I just didn't know what it was. There were times that I would just spend the day in bed, because I couldn't imagine getting up and doing anything else. Sometimes I would get in a "funk" that would last a couple weeks. The biggest thing, is that I always worked through it. I had many more good days than bad.
I regret with all my being that I didn't realize how bad it really was. I've missed out on so much in the last year. I don't get a do over. But I DO get to enjoy fully the things that life brings me now. For that I am thankful.
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